MANY years ago, a work experience student from a local school, asked me where I got the ideas from to write a newspaper column.
"Give me a subject," I said, "and I'll write about it."
Unimpressed by my hubris, she said: "Chairs."
Clever girl. That punctured my ego. Still, I turned out 400 words about how I had always struggled with chairs because of my short legs and the dangers of sitting on a bench seat in a bar and finding that my feet don't reach the floor.
I don't think she was impressed.
Usually, I have two or three ideas at the back of my mind around which which I can write a piece and don't need a suggestion. Until this column.
My clippings folder is empty, my brain sagging in the hot weather and my home office is beginning to crowd in on me. A novelist might describe this as writer's block. Except I don't believe in writer's block.
An online search found bizarre advice from bloggers on how to overcome mental inertia. You need to have some fun, said one. Right, who's coming to the pub? Another suggested taking a trip, by bus, train or plane.
These are obviously people who have never written to a deadline. As a journalist, I have written to a deadline all my life. A system I also used when writing novels: sit down at a set time and write so many words a day. Forget about tempting the muse and waiting for inspiration; the muse is probably already down the pub. Writing is hard work so get on with it.
But wait, here's another nugget of a suggestion on how to get your creative juices flowing when your mind is as empty as the Sahara: invent an imaginary friend. I kid you not.
Give him a name, talk to him, listen to his problems and hopes, be a good friend, write him a letter ... hang on. I'm supposed to have writer's block.
Other suggestions include getting angry, swearing, ranting, taking a shower, washing the dishes or dancing.
Laurence Stern, the 18th century writer, had a very specific way of overcoming a blockage: he would shave off his beard, change his shirt and put on his best coat: "In a word, dress myself from one end to the other of me, after my best fashion.”
Such a ritual would suggest he didn't suffer from a lack of inspiration very often, if he had to grow back the beard before he could do it again.
That great author Graham Greene tapped into his creativity by writing about his dreams and, when you think about it, building images in words is basically day dreaming. I use a similar technique by taking a plot to bed with me and working through it before I drop off. At the moment, I'm halfway through a 19th century romp that follows the rise to fame and fortune of Irish rogue John Devlin. The book will probably never be written but me and John are having a fine old time along the way.
Now. What was I saying about writer's block? Would another 400 words about chairs be acceptable?

A FRIEND of mine has started online dating.
"You're doing what?" I said, as we talked in the bar. "Whatever happened to meeting a girl when you were out socialising?"
"I'm out socialising now," he said. "Look around this place. Do you see anyone suitable?"
There were three fat blokes further down the bar and a crowd of lads in the sports room watching football. Point taken.
It was all so different in the past when people met potential partners at dances or work or through a friend of a friend. Back then, young people went around in a collective (polite name for a gang) and paired off. Boys and girls would switch partners until they discovered compatibility and then got engaged. Job done.
This arrangement was best summed up when I asked a friend how he and his wife had got together.
"I was the last one left of our group," he said. "So she took me."
Both my happily married daughters said my attitude to online romance was prehistoric and that any self-respecting single of any age these days turns to the relevant app on their mobile to look for a suitable date. Apparently, one in four relationships now starts online.
The first dating site, Match.com, was launched in 1995 and now operates in 25 countries. There are 1,400 dating sites catering to UK singles. Users can be matched by age, location, hobbies, politics and religion. Some sites use "personality defining algorithms", which means filling in a questionnaire. This in itself is fraught with danger and obfuscation (otherwise known as stretching the truth or lying).
Top lies told by men are about their job, height, weight, physique and money. They also claim to know celebrities, have assistants or work in the film industry. There must be plenty of those living in Huddersfield. Top fibs from women are about weight, age, physique, height and money, bust size, glamorous profession, knowing celebs, having assistants and working in entertainment. A lot of those, too.
Which basically invokes caveat emptor: let the buyer beware.
But if you want a website, there are many to choose from: Happn, Match, Once, Hinge, Huggle, Zoosk, Elite and thousands more. They cater for every interest, age and belief; gay, Christian, senior citizens and beard lovers (it's called Bristlr). Every niche area is covered. Ourtime (for like minded singles over 50), DateYorkshireSingles, Gluten Free Singles. Tindog for dog lovers, Salad Match for salad lovers, Sizl for bacon lovers, Trekdating for sci fi fans, Tastebuds that matches musical tastes, Spex for people who wear glasses or like people who wear glasses and Farmers Only.
Purely in the name of research, I filled in a survey at comparison website Queek'd . The dating sites recommended for me ranged from eHarmony (the brains behind the butterflies) through Uniform Dating (everyone needs a hero) to Millionaire Match (the original and largest millionaire dating site since 2001).
By heck, had someone recognised my worth at last, by offering me premium membership for celebs and VIPs? Except that it added: salaries will be verified. So if I was to use any app to find a date, it would be back to being honest and say that I was six foot tall, athletic build and friend of the stars. Well, I once met Norman Wisdom.