Denis Kilcommons
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Banish those clouds of death

9/25/2017

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It's 10 years since smoking in pubs and enclosed public places was banned in Britain. Since then, smoking rates have dropped to the lowest ever recorded. Only 19% of the adult population are smokers and 83% of the nation support smoke-free legislation.
When I was a youngster, cinemas had a low level nicotine cloud hanging between stalls and circle during every performance. The picture on the silver screen was more in sepia than black and white or technicolour.
It was taken for granted you entered a pub through a killer haze, which every tobacco addict inhaled with delight and every non-smoker put up with. I once commented to a landlord that I liked the cream colour he had painted the ceiling.
"Great improvement on that dark brown," I said.
"We haven't had it painted," he said. "Just washed the nicotine off."
In those days, cigarettes were advertised as being healthy, sporting or as a sign of sophistication. Everybody did it.

I was never a proper smoker because I couldn't inhale, although I tried and failed to learn, in those heady days of the Swinging 60s, when the clouds exhaled were of peace and love and herbal extras. Mind you, the herbal cakes were nice.
So, totally by accident and good fortune, I was never hooked on one of the easiest available deadly drugs known to man.
My wife Maria was not so lucky. She started smoking as a schoolgirl and tried to give up dozens of times over the years. But nicotine is as addictive as heroin. The smoking ban vitally helped her cut down and she finally kicked the habit altogether with the help of an e-cig and vaping.
It's amazing that it's only 10 years since pubs kicked it into touch or, more precisely, to an outside area, and I applaud the success of the ban, although I'm sure there will be those of a different opinion. For me, the inconvenience of the minority is worth it for the majority to be able to chat, socialise, have a meal, a coffee or a beer in a smoke free environment.
Sir Harpul Kumar of Cancer Research UK said: "As well as protecting people from the deadly effects of passive smoking, we've seen big changes in public attitudes towards smoking. It's now far less socially acceptable and we hope this means fewer young people will fall into such a potentially lethal addiction."



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Would you date a Kylie lookalike?

9/22/2017

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Would you date a lookalike Kylie?
IT was an offer in my email box that some might find too good to refuse:
"
Denis, do you want to date Kylie Jenner's lookalikes?"
One drawback was that I didn't know who Kylie Jenner was. An online search showed me a very attractive young lady who is an American television personality, sister of Kim Kardashian, 19 years old and lives in Los Angeles.
Oo-er, mother.
The other drawbacks were that I'm married, old enough to be her grandfather and live a long way from LA.
Tom Livingstone, the chap making the invitation, is doing so on behalf of Badoo, that claims to be the world's biggest and safest dating network. The potential dates are, as he says, lookalikes of the stars, rather than the real thing, so they could live a lot closer to home.
I have a friend who is online dating at the moment but not with a great deal of success. He exchanged photographs and messages with a young lady in Leeds. As he was about to set off to meet her for the first time, she sent him a text cancelling: she said she had to stay home and do the dusting.
I bet a Kylie Jenner lookalike wouldn't make an excuse like that. Even if she lived in Leeds.
Categorising potential romantic partners as celebrity lookalikes uses photographic face recognition to provide the type you like.
"Date people who look just like your favourite celebrity," says Badoo.
If you have a passion for Benedict Cumberbach you can click his link and find 748 chaps with long faces. Emma Watson has 87 lookalikes. Well, sort of. Some are more lookalike than others.
All types are available. Ed Sheeran, that ordinary looking lad-next-door. not surprisingly has 1,405 ordinary lookalikes. And for those with a strange sense of attraction, dates are also available for Boris Johnson and Jeremy Corbyn. Donald Trump lookalikes include a Russian army officer. Best not tell the FBI's investigation into the President's Kremlin connections.
Ones that might have more appeal include Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Robbie Williams and Kate Moss - although recognition has to be in the eye of the beholder because many are less than spitting images.
Still, it's a fun way to find a soulmate. You can download your photograph and see what star's category you fit to add to the mix.
Mind you, I've just used the website catfly.com to find the celebrity that's my doppelganger and it says I'm a dead ringer for Johnny Depp. Suits me, although I doubt Mr Depp would be impressed. You have been warned.

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Walking back to happiness ...

9/5/2017

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WALKING is an aid to health. Every other week another report comes out that proclaims its benefits. A brisk stroll every day can help prevent heart disease, stroke, dementia, cancer, type 2 diabetes and asthma, boosts vitamin D and gives you energy, experts say.
It's logical that exercise should be beneficial and I walk regularly on medical orders. After a check up a few years ago, the nurse gave me a look that condemned fried breakfasts seven days a week and suggested I get my walking boots on instead. Which was fine. It's on the National Health so it didn't cost anything. The walking I mean; I bought the boots myself.
One website said a daily walk can add between three to seven years to your life which, at my age, has to be an incentive. But there is a difference of opinion about how to walk and how far. Is a brisk walk better than a slow stroll?
My wife occasionally accompanies me and is more of a stroller and, if I'm not careful, I tend to leave her behind as we take a woodland path. I am wary of this as, some years ago, Maria would take our dog Lucky for walks in the woods. At the time, she was experimenting with similar but alternative names for the beast, which we inherited, and famously took these same paths shouting out for "Nookie!".
The animal eventually responded but so did a flasher and she and the dog both ran home at Olympic pace. The name remained Lucky for safety reasons.
I went online for advice and was surprised to see one health site recommending walks with budgies. Good grief. Did I need a bird in a gilded cage to reap the benefits of exercise? Then I realised I had misread it: it was walks with buggies, for young mums.
A beneficial walk should be between 20 to 30 minutes, some say. Others declare a target of 10,000 paces a day. But how far is 10,000 paces? And do I have to do more because I have short legs? According to thewalkingsite.com, 2,000 steps is a mile, so a healthy target is five miles. Oo-er, mum. That sounds like a long way. Except a daily total also means the paces you take around the house and garden and back and forth towards the bar. A few times up and down stairs as well, would help.
Counting them out loud wouldn't work, of course, so I've invested in a pedometer on a strap around my neck to keep track for me. Twelve quid from Amazon seems a small price to pay for immortality.
Oh, didn't I mention? Another expert, albeit from America, claims walking 10,000 paces a day can trigger an anti-ageing process and help repair old DNA.
How far do I have to walk to be 32 again?


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Le Petomane - let the wind blow free ...

9/1/2017

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FEW will be surprised that a third of people in the UK suffer from flatulence. I suspect most of them are men who do not so much suffer, as perform the art with pride.
This was all right in the golden days of 19th century entertainment when variety star Le Petomane played to packed houses in Paris, including crowned heads of Europe, as a professional flatulant.
Highlights of his act included cannon fire, thunder storms, playing O Sole Mio and blowing out a candle from several yards away. Edward, Prince of Wales, was said to be well impressed.
Johnny Depp once said of Le Petomane: "He was a true artist. I'd play him in a minute."
Unfortunately, the type of flatulence most practised today is informal and often offensively odorous. Some believe it acceptable in male only company. Others, who enjoy blowing their own trumpet, impose it anywhere.
I had a friend who excused it by quoting his mother's health advice: Where ere you be, let the wind blow free. Which is acceptable in private circumstances but not in a crowded pub.
The statistic, that a third suffer from the condition, comes from a survey by Pharmacy Outlet which also discloses that a third of the population suffer from smelly feet. Pity the few who suffer from both.
While there is always a humorous side to body odours, the firm points out they could signify something more serious. The conditions can indicate problems such as irritable bowel syndrome or fungal infections.
"Seemingly innocuous ailments can develop into more serious conditions," a spokesman said.
Such as letting drop a smelly one in mixed company.
“Have you just farted in front of my wife?”
“Sorry. I didn't know it was her turn.”
Cue for a smack in the face.



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