Denis Kilcommons
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October 26th, 2017

10/26/2017

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Maharishi, The Beatles and me

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RESEARCH at Coventry University says meditation alters the activity of genes to help ease stress and depression.
It's a technique that has been used by religions and philosophies throughout history, but you no longer need to visit an ashram or retreat for guidance. These days, you can download an app onto your smartphone to bring "clarity, joy and peace to your daily life". Apparently.
So of course I tried a couple of free samples. The first provided relaxing music until disrupted by an annoying female American voice telling me to be calm The second had the smug male upper-class English voice whose owner deserves a smack.
I learned Transcendental Meditation 40 years ago and met Maharishi Mahesh Yogi who taught the Beatles. Two 20 minute periods a day reciting a mantra to ease away stress. It worked. Trouble was, managing to set aside two 20 minute periods with the demands of work and family.
Over the years I have often returned to TM and it still works in short bursts if I need to relax in stressful situations, such as when I visit the dentist or prepare my tax returns.
Others say music, jogging or long walks in the country help them.
But how about sheep?
Calm, one of the foremost meditation app providers, has release a film called Baa Baa Land, which shows sheep grazing in a field for eight hours. They are hoping people will flock to it.
Of course, it could be that people start counting the sheep and find it so relaxing they fall asleep and wake up at the end wondering what they missed.
"What happened to the big black one?"
"Sausages."
"And the little lively one?"
"Lamb chops."
Which might be a reality upon which it is best not to ponder for anyone searching for mindfulness and stress relief.



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Long and the short of it

10/16/2017

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THE long and the short of it are always picked on.
We have laws that protect equality yet if you are short or tall you are fair game for being poked fun at by anyone of medium height. And if you don't laugh, you don't have a sense of humour.
John Bercow, House of Commons Speaker, said:
"Whereas nobody these days would regard it as acceptable to criticise someone on grounds of race or creed or disability or sexual orientation, somehow it seems to be acceptable to comment on someone’s height, or lack of it."
At five foot six, he should know. He's been called a stupid, sanctimonious dwarf, before now.
I've put up with comments all my life for being on the short side. But, as my mother said, they don't make diamonds as big as coal bricks.
As a short person, I have always had tall friends. At school, my best mates were two prop forwards, I shared a flat with a chap who was six foot six. I played inside right to a centre forward who was seven foot tall. I drink with two chaps who are well over six foot and if I stand between them and put my arms out we look like rugby posts.
I'm used to the banter I'm supposed to accept with a smile: Stand up. Oh, you are standing up. I also know the jokes tall people are supposed to laugh at as if they've never heard them before: What's the weather like up there?
Oh how they chortle.
Plus points for tall people are that they can always get served in bars and reach top shelves. On the minus side, they have problems finding trousers long enough and have trouble fitting into an aeroplane seat.
Being short means you often can't get served in bars and you can't reach the top shelf and you always have to have your trousers shortened. On the plus side, an aeroplane seat is no problem.
Tall and short people both have a sense of humour but also a sense of social decorum. They could retaliate by pointing out the physical defects of others but rarely stand back, hands on hips in faux shock, and say: "By heck, but you're ugly. Did you fall out of the Ugly Tree and hit every branch on the way down?"
We're not like that. We have learned to accept the facile humour with equanimity and treat it with the antipathy and disdain it deserves. My tall chums are above it and it goes straight over my head.




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Zombies, life and sex

10/10/2017

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PEOPLE who use mobile phones walk differently.
We've all noted this as we go shopping around town, avoiding them or negotiating the aisles in stores while they carry on deep and meaningful conversations about the price of fish. Now it has been proved in research from Anglia Ruskin University.
Dr Matthew Timmis said: "We found that using a phone means we look less frequently, and for less time, at the ground, but we adapt our visual search behaviour and our style of walking, so we're able to negotiate static obstacles in a safe manner.
"China has already started segregating footpaths with special lanes for those using their phones. Initiatives are also being introduced in a number of European countries to place fixed warning on the ground to alert pedestrians to roads."
I can make a few suggestions of how they might be phrased. How about: "Slow. Road Ahead" followed by "Slow. Road Imminent" followed by "Ouch! I told you so. Now use your phone to call an ambulance."
Those who suffer from this affliction of dependence are known as smartphone zombies.
Maybe there could be another solution rather than road signs on pavements. Why not have collection points in towns and cities like bus stops where smartphone zombies could meet, drawn by the pull of a particularly strong wi fi signal. They could be roped together and led by carers to other points in the city, like a crocodile line of school children. Or we could have Guide Dogs for the Smartphone Addicted.
Or we could ban their use altogether during perambulation with glass-sided shelters provided at intervals where they can stop off and make a call. We could call them telephone boxes.


I'M about to have my third coffee of the day and a chunk of dark chocolate. This is my attempt at immortality and to stave off memory loss.
A European study suggests that blokes who drink at least three cups of coffee a day will live longer. An extra cup of coffee a day could apparently extend life by about three months. Perhaps the NHS should make coffee available in pill form so you can ingest more, although that would be open to substance abuse.
"Eric took an overdose."
"Will he be all right?"
"He'll live for an extra five years but he'll be awake until 2020."
Dark chocolate is, according to other research, a rich source of flavanols which boost mental ability and memory, which will be essential once I become a centenarian so that I still know who I am.
"What's it like to be 100?"
"Half past three."



HAVING more sex can boost the brain power of elderly people, according to researchers at Oxford and Coventry universities. But, of course, the urge can lapse, which is why an elderly friend of mine went the doctor about his sex drive. "At your age, it's all in the mind," said the doctor. "That's the point," said my friend. "I'd like you to lower it."





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