Denis Kilcommons
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Last orders at the bar ...

11/24/2017

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Colin Crompton
SUCH excitement was caused when a Poundworld store opened in the Welsh seaside resort of Rhyl that a quarter mile long queue formed for the opening. What do the residents normally do for entertainment? Go out and watch the traffic lights change?

This is a line deadpan comedian Colin Crompton made about Morecambe, another seaside resort with a sleepy reputation. Crompton, a classic comic of British variety, was the fictional chairman at The Wheeltappers and Shunters Social Club on TV in the 1970s.
He had a routine that made fun of Morecambe: “It's like a cemetery with lights … Stockport with sea … for excitement they go to the grocery store and watch the bacon slicer. Nice girl.”
There were complaints from both the resort and chairmen of workingmen's clubs who alleged he made them look daft by ringing a fire bell to shout: “Order round the room” and make announcements such as: “The pies have come” or “On behalf of the Committee, I should like to tell you we made a mistake in offering the raffle prize of a diving suit. It is, in fact, a divan suite.”
Many years ago,
I was at a workingmen's club to watch Ray Dorset and the band Mungo Jerry when the chairman rang his bell halfway through their major hit In The Summertime to say: “Excuse me, Mr Mungo”, before announcing last orders at the bar, followed by: "Carry on, Mr Mungo."
Never has a rock band been so nonplussed.
Colin Crompton's finest hour at the Wheeltappers came when he interrupted ventriloquist Ray Alan halfway through his act. “E
xcuse me Mr. Alan," he said. "We've had some complaints that they can't quite hear you at the back. Could you hold your dummy a little closer to the microphone please?"



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Warning - Intercourse ahead!

11/2/2017

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A HOLIDAY firm listed places in Europe with unfortunate names that include Rottenegg in Austria, El Moron in Spain, Piles in Spain, Windpassing in Austria and Bidet in France.
“Where did you go for your holidays?”
“We had two weeks in Bidet. Nice place but a bit wet.”
But European names can't compete with America, that has Slaughterville in, Oklahoma, Satan's Kingdom in Massachusetts, Accident in Maryland and Dogtown in Alabama.
And wait, there's Embarrass in Minnesota and Imalone in Wisconsin, you could have Intercourse in Pennsylvania, get bitten in Mosquitoville in Vermont, be Okay in Oklahoma, Rough and Ready in California, have Toast in Carolina, be Uncertain in Texas and find Hell in Michigan.
Let us also take pride in Britain. We have an even better collection of quirky names and most of ours come with a touch of class. Here's a selection, without resorting to any of the downright vulgar:
Loose Bottom, Slackbottom, Ramsbottom, Broadbottom, Curry Mallet, Matching Tye, Nasty, Great Snoring, Barton in the Beans, Jump, Blubberhouses, Wetwang, Giggleswick and Crackpot.
Wait, there's more: Pity Me, Dull, Lost, Brokenwind, Sodom, Knockerdown, Crapstone, Piddle, Pucklechurch, Nomansland, Nether Wallop, Bishop's Itchington, Ugley and Nasty. Not forgetting Penistone, which can cause amusement if pronounced incorrectly.
And let us not forget
Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch in Wales which, with 58 letters, is the longest name in Great Britain and which translates as: "St Mary's Church in the Hollow of the White Hazel Near to the Rapid Whirlpool of Llantysilio of the Red Cave."
Or you could just say
LlanfairPG.
Dull in Scotland is enterprisingly twinned with Boring in Oregon. Now if only Beer in Devon and Droop in Dorset could get together ...



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